Relationship Help: 5 Steps to More Love and More Loving Feelings
by: Hellen
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Word Count: 832
Remember when you first got together with your love? Remember how all your senses were heightened? Remember how your partner did little things that just made you melt? Do you still feel that way now with your partner? Chances are, if you’ve been together for a while, you don’t. Or at least, you probably don’t as often or to the same degree.
You may be saying to yourself, “of course I don’t. He/she doesn’t do those nice little things anymore!” That may well be true. Time, familiarity and the tedious busy details of daily life can sure put a damper on this kind of thing. We all know that changing things takes a conscious effort to reestablish these kinds of behaviors.
However, there is another important thing to consider. Each person on the planet has a preferred way of processing information. By preferred I don’t mean that it is a choice. It is a matter of how are brains are wired. Some people are more visual processors (through seeing), some are more auditory (through hearing) and some are more kinesthetic (physical). You may have heard some of this discussed in conversations about children who learn better in particular ways at school.
What this means is that each of us responds differently to certain types of stimuli.
So, you have a way to process information which suits you best. (Most people have a combination of the three but usually one stands out.) If you are visual you will really respond to how things look. Men tend to be much more visual than women. This is why men tend to really respond to sexy lingerie. If you are auditory then you respond to what is said to you. Women are typically more auditory. You know the stereotype of women liking to hear “sweet nothings” whispered in their ear? This is not made up. Things like hearing, “I love you,” “you’re beautiful” “I love the color of your eyes” and other complements tend to go a long way with some people. Then, there are the kinesthetic folks. If you are one of them you love to be touched. You want to hold hands, you want to be hugged, you want sensual massages and light soft caresses.
When we are first in love with our partners we are in such a heightened excited place we are usually doing all three kinds of these loving things without giving it any thought. We talk more to each other, we touch each other more, we probably put in more of an effort to look sexy or attractive to our partners. As the relationship continues we naturally do a lot less of this kind of behavior and we will probably resort to the category (visual, auditory or kinesthetic) which is our mode of processing. So if I am auditory and I bathe my partner in complements and “I love yous” but he is kinesthetic and responds to touch my attempts at being loving and romantic just won’t really register as much as I’d like. Oh, he might notice and think it is sweet but it won’t be the kind of behavior which really resonates for him.
On the other hand, if I give massages, stroke his arm, give him a warm embrace he will most likely really notice the actions and feel a lot more loved.
Here are five steps to putting yourselves back on a more romantic and loving track:
Step 1: Sit in a quiet place when you have some uninterrupted time, close your eyes and breath deeply until you feel relaxed.
Step 2: Go back in your memory and think about the things your partner used to do (or maybe still does sometimes) that really touched you in some way. Also, think back to other relationships and note the of other partners which have really made you feel loved.
Step 3: Make a list of these behaviors.
Step 4: Ad to the list anything you can think of that would really make you fee loved even if noone has ever done them for you.
Step 5: Sit down with your partner and exchange your lists.
When you are thinking about ways of giving and receiving love and you are making your list, think in terms of three categories:
· Through Non-sexual Touch (hugs, holding hands, foot massage, casual touch on the shoulder, etc.)
· Through words and Looks (Listening without giving advice, winking -- especially in public, compliments on appearance, eye contact while talking)
· Through Behaviors and Actions (pillow fight, do one of your chores, send a love letter or card, make you something to drink, etc.)
Really give it some thought and get creative. This is your chance to let your partner know how best to reach you when he/she wants to be loving. It is also a chance for you to find out from your partner what small things feel the most loving. It is an opportunity for you to give a gift to each other and create more love between the two of you.
Author: Barbara Calvi, LMFT
www.TheWritersOnline.com
(Read or Write Your Way to Big Success)
About the Author
Barbara Calvi, LMFT
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